Random thoughts from Dave

February 8, 2010




It has been 9 days since my wife was diagnosed with lobular carcinoma, a type of breast cancer. I still can’t help but think that there has to be some mistake. Why her? Why our family? Is this some sort of punishment for something that we did or didn’t do? Does breast cancer attack people in a completely random fashion or were we chosen by some higher power to face this challenge? If we were chosen…what is the reason? Is there some sort of life lesson that we are supposed to learn? What could it possibly be? What life lesson would require you to go through such pain…such heartache? What could we possibly learn from so much suffering? As I lay in bed every night and ask myself these questions and so many more…no answers seem to come.

It has only been 2 short years since she had brain surgery to remove a lemon sized tumor from the back side of her brain. Luckily it was a benign tumor, but the surgery was still difficult. It took almost a full year to heal. I did my best to stay positive and put on a smile as I went about my day…but it was very difficult at times. Mary was a hero through it all, very rarely showing any signs of fear or pain, though I knew it was there. My daughter, Erin, also showed tremendous courage and faith …well beyond her 7 years at the time. Now we are all faced with this latest challenge. How will we handle it? How will I handle it? We have lots of loving family and friends that are very supportive and willing to do whatever they can to help and I appreciate that tremendously….but….in the end, in the loneliness of the night, in my own thoughts….I am alone. We all are. That doesn’t mean that I want people to feel sorry for me…for us. It just means that each one of us has to find our own inner strength, our own personal way of dealing with adversity….the challenges that we face in our lives. Personally, I will do my best to search for the lessons that I believe exist in every one of the challenges that life presents us. There has to be a reason that we have been presented with this. There has to be something that I can learn….something that I can use to grow and change for the better. The answers that I am seeking are elusive. I may find them tomorrow, next week, next year….or 10 years from now. I hope sooner than later, as answers would bring some relief to the pain and sorrow that accompanies this awful disease. In the meantime, I will try to occupy my mind with other things, like learning about cancer, its treatments and how they affect people and how I can help my wife and daughter stay positive.

Mary’s surgery has been scheduled for February 16th, 2010. She has opted to have a complete mastectomy of her right breast instead of a lumpectomy. It offers the best chance of completely removing the tumor and for complete recovery. I can only imagine how difficult that decision must have been. I know how difficult it was for me to help in that decision and it’s not even my body! Imagine being faced with the amputation of your arm or leg and how difficult that decision would be for you. I know that your arm or leg are a little bit more necessary for daily life but a breast is still part of your body that you are going to have removed….permanently! I can only imagine the impact this has on one’s life. The emotional healing that will be necessary long after the physical body has healed. It seems like too much for one person to handle…but the human body and mind are resilient. It is difficult to keep a positive spirit down for long….and I know, deep in my heart, that Mary can handle this….that we can handle this. Together…Mary, Erin and I will get through this….somehow…someway.